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April 5, 2013 / saniday

SAD aka Seasonal Affective Disorder

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Couple of months ago everything was okay. I mean, as okay as it can be. Normal, I guess.

But since the new semester started last month, I started feeling worse.

At first I blamed it on me being sick and had an excuse to stay at home for weeks.

Now that I’m not sick anymore, I still don’t want to go back to normal.

I’ve lost all motivation and barely go out. I used to be an introvert, I think I’m more of a hermit now. I’ve missed half the lectures. When I had perfect grades last semester (shut up, it was perfect by my standards and I might even get a stipend) I’m close to failing now if I don’t do something about it.

I got a gym & pool subscription last month and I’ve missed half the dates. Doctor is giving me shit about my sleeping and eating schedules. I don’t want to leave the house, hell, I don’t want to leave my bed. All I do is read and go to sleep surrounded by tea mugs.

I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I’m too emotionally invested in TV shows. I spent all March playing video games. Yesterday I got my salary and I spent half of it ordering British food online.

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Also, I hate disappointing my mum, she worries too much when I’m like this and I don’t know what to do. I tried going to a lecture today, at least for her sake, but I was so exhausted from nothing, that I went back to sleep. She’ll be back home soon and give me that look and ugh. I hate this.

I know how it might look from another perspective, but it’s not just me being lazy. I’ve been lazy my whole life, but like I mentioned, I did just fine before.

The truth is, I’m obviously depressed. It’s probably a Seasonal Affective Disorder.

I can’t really blame other things. I mean, my designing business is going fine and my tees are being printed on more sites than before, but maybe it’s what I’m studying? Liberal Arts is a cool major and I’ve learned new useful things lately, but it’s still not what I truly want. We don’t always get what we want, I know, and this is the best I can do in this country. If I had to go back, I’d still choose this major, but it’s still not enough. I’m so selfish, I keep trying to get what I want. When I keep thinking about my preferred education, (Graphic Design) the only way out I see is that I’m gonna get my IELTS this year and then apply for some ERASMUS programs, maybe if I do well, I might even get a chance to go back to the UK.

Bloc Party, I hate to break it to you, but you were wrong.

My hometown is a vampire, it sucks the joy right out of me, not London.

The UK is what used to make me happy.

I guess I’ll be okay, once I ‘snap out of it’ and kick my own ass and study more.

I mean, that’s my only way out, ’cause damn, UK is bloody expensive.

Why does it always have to come down to Britain with me?

p.s. I still don’t have a dog, that would make me utterly happy.

Oh well, wishful thinking.

I’ll go brew some tea now.

Or in a little bit…

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2 Comments

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  1. Annabelle / Apr 6 2013 1:00 am

    Well I feel you. I suddenly became emetophobic right before Christmas and I’ve had nauseas and stomach ache and insomnia and trouble eating since then. Like, non-stop. It’s driving me mad. My health is shit, I can’t go to uni at all and when I try I faint, thankfully my therapist wrote a letter to my uni so I don’t lose my scholarship, and I’m pretty sure I won’t be accepted at the school I want to attend next year. I used to know nothing about my career and now that I have a real plan, it’s almost impossible. Very tiring indeed. And this never-ending winter isn’t helping. I wish I could be okay and stop freaking out about throwing up everytime I put something in my mouth, but I do and I can’t help it. I’ve been waiting to get an appointment with a new therapist nearer where I live now, it’s been 3 weeks, I’m losing my mind! It’s hard keeping a positive attitude when I don’t know what’s the problem mentally, I can’t fix anything and nobody can apart from a therapist. I need things to get better soon, and I hope they will get better for you soon too. I don’t think you’re being needy or selfish by wanting to do what you really want or be in the UK, some places you can’t help but need to escape. I know I can’t stay at my mum’s for too long because it reminds me of school and my parents’ divorce and the bad days. And you can’t settle for less everytime, can you! You need to have your number one goal in mind to get you through the day and when you reach it you’ll be truly really happy. So don’t feel selfish!

    Wow, I ended up writing a novel, sorry. But I hope you feel better soon, sweetie. It’s important and all that. Be selfish, think about your own good, do what’s good for you and your health, worry about the rest later. You should be your own priority. Time might help make things better but don’t just wait for it all to go away, do what you feel is right. ♥

    • saniday / Apr 25 2013 6:35 am

      Hey dear ❤
      I have no fucking idea why I saw this just now.
      Did you see your new therapist? Are you feeling better?
      I'm a bit better)

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