SAD aka Seasonal Affective Disorder
Couple of months ago everything was okay. I mean, as okay as it can be. Normal, I guess.
But since the new semester started last month, I started feeling worse.
At first I blamed it on me being sick and had an excuse to stay at home for weeks.
Now that I’m not sick anymore, I still don’t want to go back to normal.
I’ve lost all motivation and barely go out. I used to be an introvert, I think I’m more of a hermit now. I’ve missed half the lectures. When I had perfect grades last semester (shut up, it was perfect by my standards and I might even get a stipend) I’m close to failing now if I don’t do something about it.
I got a gym & pool subscription last month and I’ve missed half the dates. Doctor is giving me shit about my sleeping and eating schedules. I don’t want to leave the house, hell, I don’t want to leave my bed. All I do is read and go to sleep surrounded by tea mugs.
I don’t know what I’m doing with my life. I’m too emotionally invested in TV shows. I spent all March playing video games. Yesterday I got my salary and I spent half of it ordering British food online.
Also, I hate disappointing my mum, she worries too much when I’m like this and I don’t know what to do. I tried going to a lecture today, at least for her sake, but I was so exhausted from nothing, that I went back to sleep. She’ll be back home soon and give me that look and ugh. I hate this.
I know how it might look from another perspective, but it’s not just me being lazy. I’ve been lazy my whole life, but like I mentioned, I did just fine before.
The truth is, I’m obviously depressed. It’s probably a Seasonal Affective Disorder.
I can’t really blame other things. I mean, my designing business is going fine and my tees are being printed on more sites than before, but maybe it’s what I’m studying? Liberal Arts is a cool major and I’ve learned new useful things lately, but it’s still not what I truly want. We don’t always get what we want, I know, and this is the best I can do in this country. If I had to go back, I’d still choose this major, but it’s still not enough. I’m so selfish, I keep trying to get what I want. When I keep thinking about my preferred education, (Graphic Design) the only way out I see is that I’m gonna get my IELTS this year and then apply for some ERASMUS programs, maybe if I do well, I might even get a chance to go back to the UK.
Bloc Party, I hate to break it to you, but you were wrong.
My hometown is a vampire, it sucks the joy right out of me, not London.
The UK is what used to make me happy.
I guess I’ll be okay, once I ‘snap out of it’ and kick my own ass and study more.
I mean, that’s my only way out, ’cause damn, UK is bloody expensive.
Why does it always have to come down to Britain with me?
p.s. I still don’t have a dog, that would make me utterly happy.
Oh well, wishful thinking.
I’ll go brew some tea now.
Or in a little bit…