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April 19, 2011 / saniday

Thoughts From Places: Cemetery

Here I am again, it’s been an year now.

I get up early, expecting it to be all rainy and foggy, but it’s not, it’s so warm and sunny, just like you’d have wanted.

Just because I’m at the cemetery, doesn’t mean it’s not supposed to be a good day, and it is, it’s an amazing day, I’m sure you’d have loved it.

It’s so hot that it’s even disturbing and I can’t seem to be able to breathe. But I’m okay, I don’t cry you wouldn’t have wanted that.

It could’ve been any random day today, you know, we could’ve visited countryside, had a picnic on this lovely day, but no.

You’re not supposed to be here, maybe that’s why I don’t visit you very often, but you know the reason.

There’s something I wanted to say, I’m sorry if a deceived you in any way since you’re gone, cause god knows I tried my best.

And I’m sorry for not believing it all and being so sceptic about religion, traditions and prejudice,  but I guess you might be okay with it, cause these are my beliefs and I can’t believe something I don’t believe in. You do know that it’s not important, right? Important thing is that I love you and even though I don’t believe that you are in that grave anymore, doesn’t mean that I love you any less.

But it’s true, I’m sorry but you’re gone, long gone, like Alaska, and even if only darkness comes next and there’s no afterlife,  that doesn’t mean you’re not here beside me, I know you are, I can feel that.

There’s something weird that I recently discovered, turns out that you’re not only alive in my heart, but in my dreams.

I dream about you every night, maybe just a blip but I still see you and you’re alive, we are travelling and having fun, and I never know, I never know that you’re gone, cause I guess deep inside I’m not letting go somewhere and I’m keeping you with me, just in my dreams but that means a lot,  even though I get to wake up.

I miss you terribly, you know that, don’t you?

I can’t do anything about it, but I guess all I can do is keep going, like I’ve been for a year now and it will be okay, wont it?

Who knows, I hope for the best though.

I do want to achieve my goals and when I do, keep in mind that it was in your name and I hope you’ll be proud of me.

Happy 48th Father, I’m spending this day with you.

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